These are generally clean and non-offensive dad jokes to start your weekend with a laugh – or a groan.

Please feel free to use these at family gatherings, bedtimes and anytime you need to embarrass your teenager in front of thier friends.

 

Dad Jokes Walk Into a Bar

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”

A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”  Sure enough – Panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.” The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

Doctor Jones likes to stop at a bar after work and enjoy an almond daiquiri. One day, Dick the bartender runs out of almonds and uses hickory nuts instead. The doctor takes a sip and says, “Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?” And Dick says, “It’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants. The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”

 

Shorties

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”  The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”

Two cats are swimming across the river.  One’s name is “One Two Three” the other’s is “Un Deux Trois.” Which cat survives?  “One Two Three” because un deux trois cat sank.

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.” The man replies, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

There was once a great Spanish magician. He was world-renowned for his incredible feats. His most famous act, though, was his vanishing act. He would count; uno, dos and suddenly he would disappear without a tres.

 

One-Liners to Make Anyone Groan

 

“I pity he fool.”…..”You missed a T.”….. “Yes I am.”

What do you call a singing laptop?  A Dell

What’s a pirates favorite letter?  You’d think it’s R but it be the C.

Two sattelite dishes met, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much… but the reception was incredible!

Did you hear about the cheese factory that blew-up in France?  There was nothing left but de Brie.

I couldn’t believe that the highway department called my dad a thief.  But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.  That’s just how I roll.

What do you call a Frenchman who wears beach sandals?  Philippe Philloppe.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.  She seemed surprised.

What does an angry pepper do?  It gets jalapeño your face.

My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall… But it was his dumb asphalt…

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia… She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

What do you get when you cross a rhetorical question with a joke?

Until next time,

To Your Growth & Profits

William De Temple CEO Antirion LLc

William De Temple, CEO Antirion LLc

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